Beauty
Sometimes I get too wrapped in my own views of how life sucks, and for the most part it is rather uneventful and frivolous. But there are just moments where you watch or hear something that just lightens your mood so much that you can’t help but feel that there’s something more to appreciate. There are two things in particular that really changed my mood when first experiencing it. The first is a television show called Castle and the other is a song from the MMORPG Final Fantasy XI.
Wait a minute… You might be asking how two seemingly unimportant things could change my outlook on life so greatly? It’s because they are so seemingly unimportant that makes it so much greater. First of all Castle is a great show not only because the dialog is just fun to listen to, the chemistry between the actors is spectacular. All the characters seem plausible and yet at the same time, not. Everything is so light and carefree except for small moments within the show where they have an emotional tug. Along with the chemistry between the two main characters there is also one character that has minimal camera time, but I feel makes the show so much more worth watching. The character is Castle’s daughter Alexis played by Molly Quinn. She is possibly the most wholesome young lady I’ve ever witnessed in my entire life and that is very refreshing especially in a world where morals seem to be lost. People can be as rude as they want and just careless because of the anonymity of the Internet. They wouldn’t say anything in person, but they express all sorts of intolerance online that is sickening to read at times. It almost seems like our social interacting has decreased and our hate increasing, albeit in a quiet way. And there is Alexis, among all the ugliness that envelopes the world, she is able to be wholesome. Cry to her father for not telling him about the time she jumped the turnstile on the way to the subway late one night and giving herself a proper punishment for it. Playing laser tag with her father. And just being plain adorable to watch. It’s a nice change from the usual Gossip Girl type of teenager who make drama out of everything that is so disturbing in many ways.
Secondly the song from the MMORPG that I’m playing, Final Fantasy XI. There’s a particular version of this song that really impacts me. The song is called The Forgotten City – Tavnazian Safehold by The Star Onion group, which comprises of many of the composers that make the Final Fantasy series’ music. It’s simple yet the beauty behind it is staggering, it may invoke tears to even those who are unfamiliar with what this song is and where it came from. There’s a quiet sadness to the song that it invokes thought, at least to me. Music is often interpreted in many ways, especially those of the instrumental variety. The song is the theme for a city who is left in ruin after a war and all the inhabitants in the safehold have enough to live and make a small town, but primarily concerned with survival. There’s many places that are like that today, there are wars enveloping everywhere even though they might not be as known. It’s a struggle to live day by day, but each day seems more like a gift when you have to fight for it. I live in complacency and although I have been thankful for the fortunes I was born with, I sometimes fail to appreciate it due to what little worries I might have to face such as preparing for a test or going to school for long periods of time. Sometimes we just need to escape for a little while and just appreciate all the small beauties that surround us.
Self-Interest
I’ve been reading this book called Free to Choose by Milton Friedman for English class and it’s basically an economics book. However, there are some ideas in there that could relate to other subjects, thus that’s why it would be covered in our English ciriculum. One of the ideas I stumbled upon while I was skimming through the book for an assignment was the concept of self-interest. Now we generally see self-interest as selfishness and the things we do to satisfy our own needs. But Friedman basically stated that self-interest is the hallmark of a great economy. He makes the example of people collaborating together to make something, but the individuals manufacturing their parts have no real interest in the end result, only the benefits that come from initially making it. That is, that people are motivated to work for a reward and in turn help others because they are supplying a service or good. With this system working throughout, people would work and give a service or set of goods to others while recieving other services and making it so that there is a clockwork effect for the economy. He is in favor or no government interference of the economy and that people ultimately manage things on their own fairly well.
That sort of gave me the impression that if everyone had a self-interest, then there wouldn’t be any real problems. I guess the point I’m making is that if I were to be more selfish, I’d be much happier and connect more. Self-interest initiates deals, if it weren’t for someone wanting something then they wouldn’t have any need to talk to others and negotiate a trade. But if someone remains quiet all the time, they won’t be able to recieve what they want and they would be ignored by the rest of the world. I seem to have seen this happen to me over the years with my high school friends. I generally assume that they’re busy with something so I never bother them for anything, even if I was amazingly bored or lonely at the time. Since they don’t have anything visible that would be acknowledging me, then they wouldn’t know that I was in need of anything. Thus they are also missing out on whatever I have to offer and nothing happens between us.
Recently I talked to a high school friend of mine that I haven’t really spoken to in a while. It was sort of a whim thing, but now we’re communicating much more and even talking face to face on a pretty frequent basis. It spawned from a self-interest of mine that I was sort of interested in talking to someone familiar again. Thus, self-interest is probably something to be treasured rather than sneered upon, because it ultimately makes things happen.
So Bad, It’s Awesome
I watched a little movie called The Room the other day and boy, it was so badly produced that it actually takes my breath away. To actually see something go so horribly awry is quite a sight to see and I am fortunate to be blessed with such an occasion. The basic premise of the movie is about this unfaithful woman of unsurpassed “beauty” who is bored with her to-be husband. The husband is played by the director, writer and producer, Tommy Wiseau and he only has about two tones of voice and facial expression. Not only is the woman unfaithful, but she is having the affair with his best friend! Alright, so far it doesn’t sound too bad, not until you add all the little quirks the movie adds and poorly written dialog that makes this movie such a gem in the crap category of film. It’s difficult to explain fully just how horribly awesome this movie actually is and you really do have to see it for yourself. There’s actually a theater that plays it every month just so people could come in, rowdy as they can muster the energy to be, and complain about how horrible this movie actually is. It’s quite a view to see that sort of audience participation. Although, one might want to ease in to actually just seeing the movie first before engaging in such loud and obnoxious behavior. I’d recommend watching this movie with at least one friend so that you can appreciate the quality of this film. I for one have been captivated by it and will be saying some of the phrases from the film to my friends who will fail to recognize the meaning behind them.
Agitation
I don’t know if it’s the temperature talking or the fact that I can’t sleep in it, but I’m feeling really annoyed right now and about to nitpick at all the things that might be stupid that I have found around my house in the time between the time I awoken and now. First of all, I really hate my bed. It’s this wooden catastrophe of a frame where my head would hit the ceiling if I were to sit up straight. Not only that, but it’s insanely difficult for people other than myself to actually climb the thing because of it’s indented and vertical “ladder” used to get up. You see, you have to hold on to the railing beside the bed to get up, but by doing so, you leave yourself open to cracking a poorly fastened piece of wood and potentially dropping and dying due to the fact that I have about 3 feet of floor space between the bed and the dresser whose edge may kill me. In addition to being stupidly high, it’s potentially much more hot up there than it would be in a lower level. I’m not well-to-do in the field of science, but hot air tends to raise and stay up there. So being that I’m basically at the top of where all that hot air would be, it seems to me that my bed would be ideal for suffocation during summer.
Another thing I’m annoyed about at this particular time is the moment I stepped into the kitchen and opened my crappy fridge, that I have been complaining about for several years. You see the fridge I have is some Vietnamese brand that has had negative reviews from every single human being on this planet, but my father seemed to think it was better than the fridge that A) worked extremely well as it had the actual temperature needed for a refrigerator and freezer and B) had a freaking ice dispenser. However, this is not the reason for the indignation that have fell upon me this night. No, it happens to be that my fridge is too cluttered with crap that I don’t even know what half the things in the fridge are anymore, or whether it’s even safe to consume. So to my surprise, when I opened the refrigerator door that a little container filled a fairly putrid smelling curry fell instantly to the floor and dispersed itself on the small rug that was below. Though it has happened before, the things that fell out hopefully didn’t crack open so that there would be a mess to be had. But this night was filled with annoying little things and this was a fine addition to the day.
After cleaning the mess up with paper towels, I just left the container in the sink with its content in it, hoping that my parents will notice that the food in the sink is no longer safe to consume and that would notify them. That and I didn’t have the patience or the energy to deal with throwing it out and cleaning the container even if it didn’t take that much effort in the first place. Once I opened the refrigerator and got my bottled water, I drank some of it and it seems to me that this water isn’t exactly the normal sort of water. Which goes to my other annoying occurrence today. My mother seems to always reuse water bottles, despite the fact that my brother and I told her that plastic bottles can only be so clean after washes and that it holds bacteria that could be created and harmful as it is an organic material, so I believe. Anyway, she filled these particular bottles of water what seems to be distilled water, because it certainly doesn’t feel like normal water should taste or feel. You see, distilled water is water in its purest form, so one would think that it would be healthier, I’m guessing that’s the belief my mom is going to put when she first replaced the normal water with this pure water. However, being as it’s just water and nothing else, I’m losing some minerals that are more or less healthy to my cause and that in the sake of trying to get healthier, I’m actually getting more unhealthy. You see, my mom is annoyingly trying to make us eat healthier, much to my chagrin. I really, really hate the fact that she’s trying to get these reduced fat crap where I in turn spit out because it tastes like crap. Replacing her already bad white rice with a surprisingly worse brown rice that tastes like cardboard. Buying fruit no one wants to eat because they’re pretty much sick to death with it and just buying these weird stupid things that no one wants to eat because it’s just bad. Granted that some fat free things aren’t as bad and could taste fairly close to the original, but I really hate doing that as I’m traditional in the fact that I like my milk as whole milk, I like butter as it is, I like my deserts to be containing fat because that’s its purpose. However, I don’t feel any healthier with all these little adjustments and force-fed sawdust she calls food. I mean there’s this weird thing that she puts in my hot chocolate (which is basically water and Ovaltine and that’s sort of sick as it is) and puts some sawdust looking thing in it so it tastes even worse. Anyway, the food she actually cooks is oily as all hell, so I’m not getting the feeling that I’m eating any healthier. Hell I’ve cooked healthier and I use butter freely.
I get the feeling that my ranting is no longer having any coherence and that my sleep deprived state may be to blame for that. I’m pretty tired, but I can’t sleep because my bed is a slow death on my part and I don’t want to have to deal with breathing in hot air and dust from the ceiling. You’d think that a bed right next to the window would have some fresher air coming in, but there’s about as little breeze up there as there is any logical progression as to the existence of the bed in the first place. Since I’m uncertain as to what else has bothered me tonight, I will bid you all farewell.
Dreams are Weird.
I’ve had some weird dreams as of late, granted that dreams are full of imaginary things that could hold all sorts of outcomes as there is no physical boundary preventing any occurrence, but still it is strange nonetheless. Recently I had a dream about two of my friends, both whom I haven’t spoken to recently, were driving home from school where we suddenly decide to stop in a rather nice neighborhood, but somewhat of an urban area and start a fire in the car and let it explode. As we walked away from the potential explosion and fire, we went toward a staircase where we heard said explosion and also accompanying it were groups of people claiming that it might have been a terrorist attack of some sort. Though not outside the realm of possibility, it is strange is its apparent randomness. Why those two particular friends and why those series of actions and repercussions? I always had a fascination with dreams, well particularly my own, and felt like it had needed some sort of explanation or analysis that could come with it because they come at an apparent nonexistence, meaning that I have no thoughts prior to the dream that might have made that particular dream.
Of course, there is the possibility that I’m just over-analyzing something that needs no explanation at an attempt to find an otherworldly meaning to my own being. I mean, to find meaning in ones’ dreams sort of puts the spark of belief that there is something divine in the world that may be sending me message through dreams as they have no ground to stand on but on the merit of its own oddity. I’ve been told that I look too into things that might have no meaning only to disappoint myself later when I realize something false or demeaning in the message. Thus I have no real faith in religions or divinity without proper evidence as I now hold the belief that faith is for those who are not inquisitive enough to find out more. I’m somewhat curious to the idea that there could be more than just this world, this universe, but I hold it as nothing more as curiosity because I am uncertain that there is the possibility of finding out more because of the scope of it all. Perhaps I’m just giving up on the idea, but it’s better than making something up. Of course what I find made up could be looked upon as fact to others, and I have friends who are strongly held in their belief in God or whatever entities they believe in. I also have friends who frankly don’t care, which is alright too. I’m just someone looking for meaning in the small things the world gives me whether they be in dreams or occurrences in nature that catch my eye.
I can’t help but notice my fascination with faith and divinity as I seem to mention it quite often in my posts. I suppose it’s part of the person who was once deeply rooted in a faith or part of me who is curious of a life beyond what is here. But I do believe that this life should be best served for oneself as I hold the belief now that there is no afterlife and one should spend their time here as best as they can whether it be greedily or generously.
Me Reading Book. Me Literate.
After a long period of never finishing a book, I have finally finished a new book called The Golden Compass/Northern Lights by Philip Pullman as part of His Dark Material series. It’s actually a really good book and I’m enjoying it. Actually finished it in three days which is pretty fast considering this is me. Don’t really want to go into detail about the goings-on of the book, but all I could say is that the main character is a little girl and there are armored freaking bears, so what’s not to like? Also the fact that the film was supposedly boycott by several Christian groups warranted my attention as well. As one may find out by talking to me, that I’m not terribly fond of the religions of the world. Not that I have anything against the people in it in particular, but I do find the concept of religion to be binding and arrogant to some degree. You may disagree with me and I have found that it does change some people’s lives for the better, but it’s not something I can ever follow as I do have this strange love for unadulterated freedom. Yes, I’m aware that it’s pretty impractical to have absolute freedom to do whatever you want, but the idea still looms to be something quite astonishing and great. It’s too bad some people can’t restrain themselves with all that freedom, ahem Lakers riot ahem. I mean, what the hell is that about? At least wreck someone else’s town! What sort of logic puts the idea of destroying your own city when your city’s team freaking won the championship?!
I digress, the books that I’m reading do have to church as a somewhat powerful and abusive entity, but to me, that doesn’t really warrant a boycott or anything like that because it’s harmless in my eyes. And they even downplayed all the church ideas from the movie so I don’t see what those groups are complaining about. It seems that they’ll complain about any book with any sort of ideas that they wouldn’t agree with. Sorry to say, but I think people should be free to think however they please. I mean people can think about killing and stealing for all I care, but doing it is something else entirely. If they can’t help themselves just because they read a book or seen a movie, then maybe they should be jailed and out of society because I’m pretty sure they won’t grow up to be anything real productive in the world. As you may see, I’m sort of venting because I get pretty pissed at the concept of censorship. Hell I wished someone taught me all the things I know now such as “bad” language and sexual inuendos. It would make for a more entertaining childhood. I mean I already knew most of the stuff by the time I was in 6th grade as maybe my schools have a different sort of culture than most. I mean so what if they know some foul language or interesting ideas, isn’t that the whole point of education in school? Just because I know the curses doesn’t mean I’ll use it everywhere I go, I don’t say them in front of my family or teachers and I refrain myself with people I barely met who might not be comfortable with it. I think kids should learn all they can when they can and everyone should teach them how to refrain themselves rather than making them ignorant. But that’s just me.
Sons & Daughters
I just finished watching all the episodes of Castle, that show with Nathan Fillion in it where it surprisingly got renewed as he’s had about three cancelled television shows so that’s good for him. The show itself is quite good although it does have a slight tendency to be a little too quirky for its own good, but the relationships between the characters are quite solid which has been something I’ve always commended. Although the main characters’, Beckett and Castle, relationship is fun to watch and seems to have developed a nice bond in the short amount of time the show has been out, the relationship I’m most interested in is the father and daughter relationship between Castle and his 15 year old daughter.
Richard Castle’s daughter is Alexis and she is very adult for her age and much more responsible than her father. But their relationship is just so adorable that it sort of makes me rethink the whole concept of having children in the future. There are short scenes where the father and daughter interact where she may be giving him advice that suddenly triggers something about his murder case or just him hanging out with her that makes me smile. I’ve been so used to seeing kids with retarded problems like those in Gossip Girl or 90210 or whatever 50 other shows out there are about that I don’t know if any kid could turn out like Alexis. There was a scene where she was crying and admitting something she thought was horrible to her dad since she wasn’t totally honest with him when he asked about anything she wanted to share with him. All she did was jump a turnstile and went on the subway and she was just so adorable in that scene. She even grounds herself for a week! I’m not saying that all kids are going to be like her, hell I’d be surprised if there’s even one, but the idea that your kid could be so responsible and innocent sure is a big reconsideration of having no kids.
I’m not much of an advocate for creating any offspring anytime in the future as I think babies are annoying and creepy and I have a tendency to not like children from the ages after the baby stage to about 6 years old. But the possibility to have such a responsible child gives a strong allure to me. I have a preference with having a daughter than a son since it seems a little more… I’m not sure how to put it… I guess close. I don’t particularly have a strong relationship with my father and I seem to be more communicative with my mother, so it seems like the sons have better relationships with their mother and daughters have better relationships with their fathers. Maybe it’s because the fathers and mothers don’t want their kids to turn out like the people they have dated in the past that may have gone bad or something. School can be pretty stupid and cruel for no real reason though I never had to face that sort of trouble because A: I’m a guy and B: my school didn’t really have that sort of culture. It seems like the upper level schools with the more prestigious reputations have the kids who are wacked out of their minds with heirarchy than anybody else. Though I’m only speculating through seeing commercials for all the stupid teen-angst shows that are on television.
I really hope my kids don’t turn out like the kids on television because they start problems out of basically nothing just for kicks it seems. Though it may be a little too much to ask to have a kid like in Castle, who is more responsible than adults and who actually enjoys school. Guess I’ll find out if I ever decide to get a kid. I’m pretty big on the whole honesty and freedom thing to a degree, so maybe that helps in my favor. I always had to figure things out for myself since I never had to care about popularity among the students or anything like that. I was just who I was and I had to figure that out myself, but I don’t know if my kids would be the same as I was. I was pretty much straight arrow, although I was probably the most rebellious out of my own crowd of friends, but I can’t really assume that anyone else would act as I would have. I could have fallen through the cracks real easily if I decided one thing over the other. I was a somewhat emotional wreck but collected enough to make some good decisions for myself.
Dreams and Thoughts
I had a peculiar thought about religion recently concerning my beliefs of what God might be. I was thinking about how God could be like a parent, but it’s not really a mother or a father since of how it creates the universe and how it governs it. God seems to have created the universe, so that pertains to the motherly side of parenting which is the giving birth side. Often times, mothers are more protective in raising their children and we see that it’s not necessarily true in the world since of all the chaos the we have to deal with. So in terms of God’s parental style, it seems more like a father as they tend to leave their kids to their own devices to an extent. Though I’m sure there are fathers who do more in parenting, but the typical view of their parental skills involve the kids to find out for themselves about the world. So we have two fundamental gifts that God might be giving us, life and freedom. Now I think it’s difficult to think about freedom if God were to create some sort of holy path for us like in Christianity as God there would know what the future holds for all individuals so that would sort of rule out any freedom because if the future is already written for someone, then I don’t really think they have much say in the matter. Though I do think a loving God who creates a human that would end up in hell in the end sort of messed up, but I digress. My picture of God may have powers to create the universe but I don’t think of it as a loving or vengeful God. I’d like to think in absolute freedom and that there is no afterlife. This is the life we have and that’s all there is to it. All God did was create the universe with no preferences as to what species is greater. So that also might make the existence of alien life to hold true in this view of divinity. Anyway, I hate it when churches decide for their members to give up their life to God when they don’t know that whatever they’re praying to is actually there and not some made up God while the actual God is just looking at Earth laughing his ass off at the stupidity of what he created. One typical argument I hear for people becoming Christian is why not, it’s security in case the whole heaven is true. Well there’s a quote that I’m quite a fan of, “Those who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety.”
To go to a totally different topic, I had a rather disturbing dream that was pretty simple but strangely intense. The basics of it involve some sort of science convention or something along those lines where a group of highly intelligent individuals get together for any new progression in science and technology. Then there was a foul mouthed, but attractive Asian woman in the crowd and I’m not totally sure what warranted her to be taken out of the building by some individuals and taken to a lab. This is where she scoffs at the people who are waiting there for her, which were two women in lab coats. Then the scene just quickly changed and she was strapped naked to a cold metal table with wires connected to her skin and being constantly shocked. Then after a time, it would be presented to the science community and while she was struggling wildly due to the pain and shocks, the rest of the crowd did nothing but watch. Normally being constantly shocked at a high level would just kill someone, but I guess since this is a dream she did not. She just started to deteriorate due to the shocks and loses her attitude. Now I have no idea what this really pertains if anything, but I like to analyze my dreams as much as possible as to get sort of ideas about myself. It could mean nothing or it could mean that I’m a very disturbed person or something.
Unrealized
Ever have that feeling that you might be dead and what you experience currently are just illusions or just made up scenarios for your mind or something? It’s a little difficult to explain, but I generally feel like I might have died in a car crash long ago, and that maybe this is what my afterlife is. I don’t really know what I’m talking about and the probability of me being correct are slim at best, but it’s just a strange feeling to be had.
I’ve been pretty moody lately, not really interested in talking with anybody and I really have a strong disconnect with my parents at the moment. I just want peace for a while, but it’s always something that happens that might disrupt it, like a car passing by or my mother nagging me about getting something to eat. I guess that’s what happens in the world, can’t just stop for my benefit, but still… I’d love to have some moments of genuine peace, which might be reasoning behind me staying up all night and sleeping during the day. I can’t really force myself to sleep at night and any moments where I might doze off to sleep, I wake up in an hour and unable to get back to sleep. Sort of protrudes to my theory of being in some sort of illusionworld since I’m unable to really dream anymore. I had distinct dreams before, and now sleep just passes by like moments. An hour passes and it felt like 10 minutes. It’s just a strange feeling to me, it might be normal but I haven’t kept up to what has been normal in the world.
I guess I just feel like I haven’t realized where I’m at yet, so I’m just feeling like a dead person with no direction or path to take. It’s not so much lack of ability as it is the lack of desire to move forward. A dead person goes nowhere, and just sits around rotting, which is something I’m unusually comfortable in. Not sure where any of this is actually going though. I’m just venting a bit I guess, cursing myself instead of actually doing something about anything because I don’t really want to. I realize that I don’t feel miserable because of a single reason like I had originally hoped for. It would make things much simpler, but the truth of the matter is that there are a variety of reasons for my circumstances. Which makes things very troublesome that I don’t feel it being worth addressing at the moment. I suppose I need to find the worth of moving forward in order to actually move on, and at the moment I haven’t seen anything to my liking.
Star Trek
All I could really say is that I loved it. I’m not much of a Star Trek fan and all that I know about it are the basic things the show was known for, such as that miracle box, Spock, Captain Kirk, beaming, ect. I never really knew much of the storyline, which is probably a good thing for me to appreciate this film more since it has a sort of alternate universe sort of vibe to it. It has the basic Abrams time warp stuff that I’m sure Star Trek had plenty of in its time. One of the main reason I was attracted to the movie is the presence of Winona Ryder, whom I pretty much adore. It’s sort of an unexplainable adoration, I’ve seen her in about five movies and I tend to like her in those roles, sure she has some bad roles such as Alien: Resurrection, but that doesn’t deter me from being a big fan of hers. I think she’s very underrated and she seems rather ageless since she looks pretty young still while being 37. It might be the same sort of impressions I get from Zooey Deschanel who I also adore, they have a certain vibe with the characters they play that it feels familiar to me which I like. Anyway, Winona has a very small part as Spock’s mother and she was in the movie for about three small scenes. However I think it worked fairly well since I think she had a sharp contrast to Spock’s father to give a more earthy presence for the Spock storyline and personality. I might be terribly biased since I like Winona Ryder so much, but I’m entitled to my preferences. Though it is rather funny that she played Spock’s mother when she is only six years older than Zachary Quinto who plays Spock. Oh well, I feel it worked out pretty well.
I think it’s a pretty good idea to use major actors and actresses for minor roles in movies, it brings a certain crowd to watch the movie without destroying any impressions against the main characters since you don’t really know who the actors playing the major characters are. It works for these sort of movies anyway, which are based upon already existing material. Anyway, I really liked the movie and I recommend it for anybody. It had some pretty powerful emotional scenes that I wouldn’t expect from a sci-fi film, so I was pretty impressed. I don’t think Star Wars did that for me, though I don’t really remember since I only really like Star Wars 4-6 and couldn’t get give any pity to Anakin in the new trilogy since he was so whiny and douchy that it was sort of a chore to actually try to like him in any regard.
I don’t know if this is going to make me start watching Star Trek anytime soon though. I recently watched Wrath of Khan which was an alright movie, but it had so many little scenes that were amusing that I’m not sure were meant to be that way. I guess it’s just because it’s old and I can’t get passed the fact that the there’s some sort of miracle box that heals whatever you can figure out and that little laser pointer that detects all diseases. I’m not really sure about the specifics about those two little gadgets in the Star Trek universe, but it just seems overly simple. But who knows, I might give Star Trek a chance when I get around to it. Been feeling pretty lazy and not wanting to do much but sit around and relax. It’s a bad habit, but it feels so nice.